Love Yourself

Trust

noun

1. firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

Trust is a big factor in relationships, friendships, professional relationships and more. You must trust that the care giver of your child will not harm your child or you'll trust that your boss/coworker will make sure that they are helping you out when needed instead of seeing you fail. As for relationships, trust is 100% important because I'll need to trust that you aren't going to go out and not hurt my heart or feelings, I'm going to trust that you know what's best for me if I ever get ill or sad. Barriers that involve trust should be held delicately, unlike relationships where there are no strings attached and feelings aren't involved.

Relationships build on trust, at the beginning of your relationship it would be considered the "Honeymoon Stage" where all you are, are sweet, cute, send cute little texts and such. That phase can last everyone differently but for my case that lasted, for him, maybe a week. A week that I thought was months. Months that were never boring, never not cute, never ending with cute facebook posts and comments until maybe a year later. One whole year went by before I went through his phone, I hated doing it but I don't regret it because of what I found. I found messages, messages to random sexy girls asking for nudes, phone numbers and such. None of these girls replied with the intel he was wanting, but one girl. One girl told him off saying things like "You have a girl, why do this to her" and such. Months went on and he stopped but then they started reoccurring again and that's when the lies started to happen, I hate not trusting someone especially someone I have such history with but this was it. My trust barrier. Just... broken.

The second time I now knew that it wasn't me who was pushing him away, but he now wanted to because at this time I was expecting twin boys. I don't trust this guy, but he was holding that against me like I did something wrong because I went through his phone and such. I had every reason, the first time I didn't think that stuff was going to be there I just stumbled upon it. Seven months went by and he seems miserable because I don't trust him, though I was trying my hardest to do so because I loved the guy. He was my everything at the time. As the twins grew up the distance between up continued to grow, we started talking less expect at night when the occasional sex would occur. I couldn't get myself in the mood thinking this man doesn't find me attractive or else he wouldn't of messaged those women. I blamed myself for a couple years later, until today. Today, I've had enough. If he loved me, he wouldn't of had done it and he wouldn't have continued after I found out. I let him walk over me and destroy my self esteem and confidence, I deserve to be called beautiful. I deserve to have appreciation, I deserve a lot. I'm not a maid and I will not continue to be.

I am 21 years old with 3 children, I am strong independently and I am strong with him but clearly the only one. I can't handle this stress when I did nothing to him to treat me like this. I say something to him about it and he lashes out and makes it seem like its my fault but it's not. I'm not letting anyone make me feel like I have to bow down to their standards. I hate it. I am a good person, I work hard for things that I want, I make sure that I never let my kids down. Never

I'm done feeling like I can just get side chicked when I don't deserve to be main chicked. I deserve to be a girlfriend or a fiancé, not a "something" chick.  Fuck all this.

Andrea <3

Sorry

Everyday I contemplate my decisions as they lay on the playing field by assuming maybe this wasn't the right thing to do or say or sometimes even thinking was that really something considered, like are you crazy?
  I continuously think by making myself happy first will help you make others happy. Well guys, I'm not happy but I'm trying to make others happy. I hate when I go through repeats of nights where texts are the same or the continuous thoughts with anxiety attacking. I can't help but be angry, with everyone, because I never have gotten appreciated. As a person. I clean up after people without being asked, generally that'd be a nice gesture but having to do it meal after meal after meal without a "Thank You" being said. C'mon, we all know that rude as heck!
  My bestfriend, who obtains major depression, is someone who I can talk to about everything but when the depression kicks in with her, I don't know if what I'm saying is effecting her in anyway. I love her, but I wish I could just take all her pain away and leave her with a happy and healed heart.
In a relationship, shouldn't communication be #1? I would assume so, considering if you're not happy with something that your significant other is doing or is making you uncomfortable, you should say something. To maybe prevent later arguments, though I do understand arguments ALWAYS happen in relationships, there's nothing to prevent those... unless you're perfect.
  I don't think I've also been involved in a situation at a workplace, or anywhere for that matter, where gender discrimination has been such a major issue. Or maybe I'm just complaining. Anyway, I can see where not ALL women are as strong as men but you know there are women who are just that. I am, personally, not that woman. I'll be determined, I'll sweat my ass off, I'll push myself to the limits and I'll even admit when I'm not fit for that type of work but that should never stop me from trying. I am the ONLY woman who works in my line of work, but has that ever stopped me from proving people wrong? No. I may not come out as the best worker compare to others, who prefer to get shot by paintballs without the ability to shoot back, but with customers or desk work you'll see me achieve lots.
  I may have a short temper when it comes to other people, but sometimes it takes a lot to get me to explode. I have literally given up all hope in trying to achieve things that have horrible outcomes. Why fight in a relationship when no points are being taken in as a chance to improve or outcome? Why argue with someone if I'm always going to be the one put down, even if I'm the one that's right? Why try to waste energy on being happy, if I'm not even happy now?

Why?

What I would do to know how to live my life the right way, right this second..

Honestly, I can't say that because I don't know what I would do but I would hope I'd do it right. Give me an opportunity to grow and you'll see colors, even if sometimes the colors don't blend...

-Andrea