Love Yourself

Trust

noun

1. firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

Trust is a big factor in relationships, friendships, professional relationships and more. You must trust that the care giver of your child will not harm your child or you'll trust that your boss/coworker will make sure that they are helping you out when needed instead of seeing you fail. As for relationships, trust is 100% important because I'll need to trust that you aren't going to go out and not hurt my heart or feelings, I'm going to trust that you know what's best for me if I ever get ill or sad. Barriers that involve trust should be held delicately, unlike relationships where there are no strings attached and feelings aren't involved.

Relationships build on trust, at the beginning of your relationship it would be considered the "Honeymoon Stage" where all you are, are sweet, cute, send cute little texts and such. That phase can last everyone differently but for my case that lasted, for him, maybe a week. A week that I thought was months. Months that were never boring, never not cute, never ending with cute facebook posts and comments until maybe a year later. One whole year went by before I went through his phone, I hated doing it but I don't regret it because of what I found. I found messages, messages to random sexy girls asking for nudes, phone numbers and such. None of these girls replied with the intel he was wanting, but one girl. One girl told him off saying things like "You have a girl, why do this to her" and such. Months went on and he stopped but then they started reoccurring again and that's when the lies started to happen, I hate not trusting someone especially someone I have such history with but this was it. My trust barrier. Just... broken.

The second time I now knew that it wasn't me who was pushing him away, but he now wanted to because at this time I was expecting twin boys. I don't trust this guy, but he was holding that against me like I did something wrong because I went through his phone and such. I had every reason, the first time I didn't think that stuff was going to be there I just stumbled upon it. Seven months went by and he seems miserable because I don't trust him, though I was trying my hardest to do so because I loved the guy. He was my everything at the time. As the twins grew up the distance between up continued to grow, we started talking less expect at night when the occasional sex would occur. I couldn't get myself in the mood thinking this man doesn't find me attractive or else he wouldn't of messaged those women. I blamed myself for a couple years later, until today. Today, I've had enough. If he loved me, he wouldn't of had done it and he wouldn't have continued after I found out. I let him walk over me and destroy my self esteem and confidence, I deserve to be called beautiful. I deserve to have appreciation, I deserve a lot. I'm not a maid and I will not continue to be.

I am 21 years old with 3 children, I am strong independently and I am strong with him but clearly the only one. I can't handle this stress when I did nothing to him to treat me like this. I say something to him about it and he lashes out and makes it seem like its my fault but it's not. I'm not letting anyone make me feel like I have to bow down to their standards. I hate it. I am a good person, I work hard for things that I want, I make sure that I never let my kids down. Never

I'm done feeling like I can just get side chicked when I don't deserve to be main chicked. I deserve to be a girlfriend or a fiancé, not a "something" chick.  Fuck all this.

Andrea <3