Things that matter today, may not matter tomorrow. So take the risks, right? I don’t know why things trigger me so often lately, I’m pretty sure it’s because my failures and faults are coming back to bite me in the ass. Crushes are harder, the lingering need of touch is more distinct. The loneliness is real and I am not sure what kind of longing feels I need.
It’s irresistible, almost unavoidable.
Your smile, your vibe and your presence is almost breathtaking but I think mostly because we’re two opposite people and attracted to the most different types. At least maybe for you. It’s hard to admit that maybe there is a crush. Maybe there is a desire, but nothing I could physically pursue. Your personality is almost everything, you’re sweet, kind, smart and you understand when I need you the most.
The love I had with Austin is still so strongly here but I know he isn’t physically with us and the fact that maybe he just wants me happy makes me worried that I’ll let him down. He was so important but now my kids are just as important. They need a father figure but nothing right away, because I’m not rushing into that part of my life right now.
The eyes, the hair, the feel of the skin, the lingering looks you give. The hugs, the smile, the physically presence; the lingering need of your attention. It makes my skin crawl and I can’t stop thinking about you. What a thrill, but it’s just a thrill. Nothing could come about it, mostly because I’m just in a mind set that’s just going to be life.
Who wants a single mom of THREE kids? Most don’t. I’m set with that in my mind, but I guess I’m used to feeling alone. The last couple years of my life has been the hardest, I don’t recognize myself as since the last time trying to find myself was like 6 years ago but I think I have been slowing finding my heart again.
The blackness of my current soul and the light you’re trying to bring in, makes my heart skip a beat. You’re you in every way possible and I love it. I can’t help but focus on you and how I’m feeling because I just can’t fight it. I should.
I need too
But I don’t want too
I love the lingering.
The tension.
The desire.
The wants.
But it’s the need that I fight back with, I don’t need it. I don’t need the jealousy that I so longingly have with my past. I’m afraid to give my heart out as I wear a protection around the one I have on my sleeve.
But in the end...
It’s just a dream, that probably won’t come true.
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