Lost

Lately I've been sucked into this world, where I don't even know who I am anymore because I feel like my life is constantly on repeat. Wake up, take care of children, naps, clean, laundry, take care of children, cook dinner, clean, bed and repeat. I'm not sure I enjoy it anymore, I can't even seem to realize that I'm in pain or hurting or even depressed. 

I'm just this robot.

Worrying. 

Thinking.

Cleaning.

Changing.

Smiling.

Laughing.

Cooking.

Sleeping.

When will it end? I'm trying. I am. 

Up 3/4 of the night with anxiety, not depression, anxiety. What could I be doing? I should've cleaned the living room, I should've cleaned the dishes, I should've cleaned this or that. I can't think, it's overwhelming. 

"The heart wants what it wants."

Fairytale, no happy ending. No wind in our sails.
But I can't imagine a life without, breathless moments breaking me down.

Why can't I think...
Why can't I just cry...
Why can't I just be me...

I seem to constantly fighting myself, with failures and anxiety with helplessness. Not depression, because I'm not physically, emotionally, mentally sad. I'm stuck. I'm stuck in a world of constant repeat, that needs a different pattern.

God please let that pattern be soon... I need a kick in the ass.

 

Dear Working Fathers of Stay at home Moms

Dearest Dads,
I appreciate the fact you're providing for our well being and the over amounts of diapers needed in a month, but seriously consider the amount of respect us mommies need.
First, let me just explain how much I truly appreciate you providing for this family. I do, I really do appreciate it but do you not appreciate the fact that I stay to watch the kids? I get that you're tired and you just finished working a 12 hour shift, handling with rude customers and smarty remarks from co-workers. Truly, I get it. Ive done been in customer service jobs, I understand the pain. I just dont think you could put up with what I do in a day, really, because on your days off... you seem to prove that you can't.
Being a stay at home mom you go through a cycle of emotions. I am currently a stay at home of 2 toddlers and a newborn, talk about hard work. I go through mornings like a breeze and wish it was just as easy for the rest of the day past nap time. Heres just a snippet of my day:
Mornings:
-Wake up. Change and feed the newborn.
-Pump
-Get newborns bassinet downstairs
-Shut all upstairs doors and put up gates
-Get twins out of bed and changed
-Figure breakfast out
-Feed twins
-Burp and calm down crying infant
-Put down (hopefully) calm infant
-Take twins out of walker/high chair and put in living room
-Turn on annoying Sofia the First cartoons, or whatever is playing on Disney Junior
-Get twins out of vaccum, books and extension cords or even the infants bouncer
-Attend to fussy infant
-Attempt to get twins out of stuff, again, but this time carrying infant
-Eat breakfast while sharing with twins, because its like their starving 10 minutes after breakfast
By now its hopefully noon.
-Run down start a load of laundry in washer
-Prevent biting, pushing or hiting that has commenced.
-Grab bottles out of cribs and clean them out
-Make lunch and feed twins
-Nap time hopefully by 145-2 pm.

If you can handle this chaos like a mommy can, then all power to you. Need I remind you, I did NOT mention the probably 3-4 poopy diapers Ill be changing prior to nap time. PER TWIN. Honestly, handling with the cries, screaming, biting, constant trouble, and infant care I could totally pull my hair out. Convinced I dont want to be bald, I dont. Id rather put up with a 12 hour shift, rude ass customers and just in general customer service jobs, such as waitressing, then stay at home some days. Id like to sleep in, Id like to nap whenever and just relax but a mommys duty is NEVER done. Ever. Not even for 5 minutes.
In all honesty, I think I only pee 3x a day with numerous drinks I have during the day. Oh boy.

So dearest dads who provide, cut us moms a slack. Please. We both need a break, but I think mommies deserve one for just 1 hour at least...a day.

Living Separate

Have you ever been told you have 'half' siblings? If not, basically its like 'step' but from your fathers side therefor making them your half siblings.

I have 2 half siblings that are 20 years older than me, roughly. We've never really gotten along because of the age differences and maturity levels, but because of that it has made being the 'little' sister role, very complicated. Also being in separate generations made it difficult. I've always been MY mother's child, not so much my fathers. Maybe its because we have never seen eye to eye or maybe its because he raises children differently than my mom has. I'm not sure, but what I am sure of is that age difference plays a big role in bonding. 

I've always dreamed of having a sister and finding out I had a big one was a dream come true, until she moved. My sister had gotten married and moved away to the land of California, long distance has never worked well with me, but she called constantly. Being my dads child while he was younger, and probably easier to handle, must have been nice. Now a days its rather difficult. Hes constantly repeating questions hes already asked and pushing himself farther than a man, his age, should. My sister doesn't/didn't like the idea of me still living with my father at age 20 but shoot, I'm helping him not keel over and die.
My brother has always been hard on me growing up, he seen discipline a lot more stricter in my eyes. My dad was a hard father to probably grow up and be a trouble maker with, he was very strict on his rules and ways. 'His way or the highway' and I think my brother took that highway but came back to his senses. Though my brother has chose to raise his kids the same way, with different generations its harder to get that point across.
Vacations at my brothers home, down south, was always fun and games when my parents were there. His grumpiness and attention wasn't on us kids, but more my father. Until trouble occurs, then its straight with the belt. For all 3 of us. The woman he married, Tina, was my favorite. She was relaxed and easy going, always trying to help us find things to do. My brother done screwed that up. How can you just up and leave a woman you loved and had kids with after 20+ years, for a, and I use the term loosely, ghetto man stealer. Or what we call 'Horse Head'.
My sibling and mines downfall occurred shortly after I, personally, called them and told them I was expecting with my still current boyfriend Austin. Neither of them were pleased, but not shocked and they, rudely, expected it sooner. My sister started talking down on Austin because we both were currently unemployed at the time. My brother didn't even want to speak to me and didn't until 2 months AFTER my twins were born. To this day, I'm constantly ridiculed by them or judged because I'm not married and STILL living with my folks. Working with 3 children is hard, especially with one of us working and expenses being high.
So lemme ask all of you something, do you know what its like to have 'half' siblings over 20 years older than you? If so, please help me with some advice. I, shockingly, still love my siblings even if sometimes their poor decisions are worse than ones I've made.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day everyone once wonders...

What is love?

Love, to me, is unconditional. Love is a connection between two people that no one has with anyone else. Love can be thrown around but true love is special. It can make you weak at the knees, have those innocent little butterflies, maybe even make your heart skip a beat a little. Love is different for everyone, some may not believe in it, some might even say it to everyone. It's not a feeling, it's a trait. A trait that can only been seen when risen to the surface when someone who loves you tries to make you feel like that someone.

- Takes care of you/each other

- Cheers you up when you're completely broken inside.

- Someone who won't give up.

- Someone who will fight with you and get over it once space and time is given to chill out.

- Who makes you weak at the knees.

- Kisses you unconditionally.

- Loves you more than anything.

Austin,

You've make me see issues inside of me, I didn't even know I had. My anger? I didn't know I was that crazy. My depression? My anxiety? Mostly my desperation to be free. You've made me fly. You've supported my dreams, you're pushing me to succeed. Thank you! (: I needed more than a parent's push. (no offenses) Making a plan with me to get organized? Helping me get motivated to get fit? Making Zombie Apocalypse plans with me? You're amazing! No one could've put a more better prince charming in front of me that's better than you. You're the BEST thing ever, you ARE real.

 Danen and I were talking about how "real" friends are hard to come by and you're it. You're the real deal. You're someone another can respect, depend on, love, get drunk with and laugh. I have never been so damn sure I want anyone. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know I'm 17 but no one is going to stop me from loving you. No one knows what love is, not even a 92 year old woman. Yes, she may have had her experiences, but she knows her version of true love. Some find their soul mate in high school and some don't. I do, inside me. Everyday your kisses make my heart pound, like it did when you asked me out, or when you kissed me at shorts. I get cute little butterflies and weak knees when I'm so excited to see you! I would love nothing more than to be your girl forever. Through thick and thin. 

I love you so much

Promise,

Andrea M. Olvera.

Don't regret. Ever.

-Andrea<3

Secrets Can Kill

 You'd think that you would be able to trust someone with a secret; very few could mean so much to someone to keep something with their lives.

My secrets? 

 My secrets that hold inside of me from someone else is whether someone is pregnant or whether someone cheated on the test in chemistry last week. Nothing big, well.. besides the being pregnant one that is. Secrets these days get told fast then those who say they have something to tell you and can't be told to anyone else, that's when things get put on a loop and get twisted and replayed and replayed and replayed. Secrets aren't something to be told. Secrets are something that someone else trusts you with, you have to keep those secrets in a box, or let alone in a cold dark hidden cave where not even you remember where it's located, but you remember what it contains.
 You shouldn't have to repeat words of someone else if there not your words to tell. Secrets can go through High School, Middle School, even your work place hallways faster than you can say GO. Technology can take part of that. Cell phones, Facebook, Twitter, it has factors. Don't let cyber-bulling get you down, especially by a stupid bitch just looking for trouble.

Austin Tylor Schreiber

 Honestly, I could possible try to write one chapter of a book about you. You're sweet, you make someone feel like their your whole world. You make them notice the little things about life, and you make them actually chase after their dreams. You're a great friend. You make someone realize that they aren't alone, you give respect and you get respect back until it's broken or messed up. There's plenty more things I love about you, and right now I'm going to make the world know that I, Andrea Marie Olvera, love Austin Tylor Schreiber.
   Austin, you may not believe it now but you're actually quite special to most people. You mean so much to your mom that she actually wants to help you. Yeah, you may live with me because of previous incidents with family and such, but she still wants to call you her son and actually watch you succeed. Just because you're in the hole you're in right now, doesn't mean that you should give up on everything. You're smart, you're honest, you're actually everything someone looks for in a boyfriend. Maybe not quite your anger, but really no one should piss you off as much as I do.

   I make mistakes and lately it's been a lot of them, to me, I'm not the jealous type until now. I've been the person to get everything handed to me when I ask. I used to ask for something and either then or a couple weeks or days later I'd have it. (except for a car.). I wanted to you, I liked you, now I can't get enough of you. Even in my past relationships, I could get anything I wanted. I could make someone stop talking to someone because I didn't like them, or I could compromise with someone about it. Well with you, I don't want to be that girl again, I want you to be able to have friends to go out and party with. I want you to be able to do what you're good at, I want to be able to let you have all the fun you want. I just feel like having another friend that's a girl, with how close you guys are, is uncomfortable with me. I don't know, I'm just not used to another girl making you so happy, like I used to. We talked, we flirted, we just had an all out fun time together, now I feel like all I do is make you mad, and start arguments with you (which isn't my intention)and nag. I don't want to be that person. I love you to much. I don't want to lose you.
  Trust for me, is valuable. You, Austin Tylor Schreiber, have all my trust I could give to anyone. You're trust with me, like life taking. I could trust you with my life! I may not be good at showing trust, but when you're with your friends, I trust you wouldn't do anything to hurt me later. I know it may not be your complete intention to hurt me, but really think about things before you do them sometimes. Running away is what I'm good at, I'm good at running away from a problem that I can't or even too scared to try to fix. I'm scared of the outcome. I may face it, I just don't like what I hear/see. Austin, when you're mad I feel like you like to be the only one mad. I understand you need your space, but I'm sorry I can't be the person you want me to be. You're exactly how I want you. Human. I understand you make mistakes, I understand you don't mean to hurt me. I really do understand, because I do the same thing to you.
  Back to reality, another thing that I love about you is the fact you're funny! You're hilarious! You can make some funny ass faces, and you can be a complete jerk sometimes when you're making jokes. You may not know when enough is enough, but maybe I don't know how to have fun sometimes. You can cheer me up with you're cute(sorry, handsome(; ) voices, and the way you play madden. You can sing to my songs and make my day! I love your laugh, and your new (braces free)smile! Lemme see those pearly whites, baby!
  You have this dream. A dream to own your own football camp/team thing. To help younger kids come into camp and you teach them skills and how to improve their football skills to become really good football players. To make them have a dream, and how to achieve it. You won't give up on them. You won't. You're in LOVE with football, just as much as you love smoking, haha. You're so good at football, you're amazing. You have a true passion for what you love, and seeing you help these little kids/teens improve is what you're going to do. Every time I hear you say "I want my football field to look like..." or "My team is going to be this..." I know you're into this dream, and I am going to do everything in my power to help you achieve it. Everything.

  Your inside, hidden, secretiveness nerd senses. How you've seen about every movie I haven't. How you're always there for me, and how you want me to be successful. You're amazing baby. If this doesn't make you believe so, then I don't know what will. I know deep in my heart that you will always have that space, that taken spot just for your love. Your promises, your hats, your outfits, your S W A G, your hand in mine. I could say a bunch of sweet things to you, but really one has overcame all of this.
 
I love you Austin Tylor Schreiber. You're everything a person could be to me. Yeah your anger and mine don't like each other, but in all results I know you love me back. I love you so much, and nothing will stop that. Happy 7 months, baby. I don't want to lose you, because...
You are mine, and I am yours.
Always&Forever
Forever&Always
Always&Forever&&Forever&Always
Forever&Always&&Always&Forever. <3
I love you.

Tonight I Wanna Cry

Having to make peace with an inner demon is something I hoped was easy. I had realized that facing your demon's is harder than looking in the mirror, it's harder than getting all the possible hair off your legs to shave, it's hard.
 I could lose a lot, and with how much faith I have in myself.. I could hurt those around me. I don't know if it's how he looks at her, or how he talks about how she's done this but I feel replaced. I don't know, maybe it's just one of those demons. I'm facing it, but running away after everything get's calm. I can't face it in a calm matter. I understand fighting in a relationship can only go so far, and it's normal but when you fight 24/7 it exhaust's you. Emotionally, Mentally, and Physically. I just hate myself after all that I've caused to some people. I hate that I cause so much people, so much pain. Really, I never thought it was possible since I was the fragile one. Now, I experienced my own hurting to someone else.
 Looking into the eyes of him, I wanted to just hug him and apologize but I know saying 'i'm sorry' wasn't going to help. At all. I've never really been, I guess, jealous before. So I don't know how to react to it, it's hard having to face THAT demon, but i'll do it. One day at a time. Hopefully I don't lose everyone in the process..

-Andrea