Envious

EN*VI*OUS

adjective

It is an emotion which"occurs when a person lacks anothers superior quality, achievement or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it."

i envy the way you have the love in your heart for someone so strong you’d do anything for. 

I envy the desire you have to be soulful and loving. 

i envy the way she has you.

I envy the way she can lay on your chest and hear your heartbeat. 

I envy the warmth you’ll feel curling up on a cold night with her. 

I envy the way you’ll feel when she makes you smile because she’s silly and you love her. 

I envy the love you have for him.

I envy the care that’s bonded between you two.

there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you, my heart forever has this hole where it can’t be whole. that place is yours, your forever embedment into my heart and soul.  I envy the love around me because I miss the love I had with you, i’m a lost soul looking for an answer on why I wasn’t good enough. 

I envy the smile you get when you see her call.

I envy the chills she gives your body.

I envy the love you have for her, the way you never let her take the fall. 

I envy the tale and the stories.

I envy the happiness you have with her.

I envy the longing hugs and forehead kisses. 

not because I want you, because I would too, but because I want the love you have with someone. 

the love you have with her. 

and i don’t want always want your love, i want the love I know. my heart is shattered and I can’t handle the pain, one minute i’m fine and the next i’m crying. 

I don’t wanna hurt, I wanna end it all but I can’t because I know i’m the end they can’t see me fall. 

I envy the way you can confine in her. 

I envy the way you see the future with her. 

I envy the way you defend her. 

i envy the way you hold her. 

I envy the way you kiss her. 

but most of all I envy the way you want her. 

I desire to be wanted, I love attention. I don’t want anyone to stop being caring and kind and falling in love because I envy something. that’s selfish, everyone has their soulmate. some lose theirs, sometimes you can’t outlive the pain it puts you through but mostly you can’t out live or fill the hole and burden feeling it gives you to know the life you loved so dearly and kindly, took its own. how do you heal or piece the pieces back together when you’re missing the center. how does one put life together after seeing the center of your life, die in your sight. 

soon. it will end.

Inner Fire

Why can't you tell him
It's not a secret
But it's cause you're scared
isn't it?
You're all alone
You're incredible vulnerable

You like him
You like everything about him
You mostly his heart, cause it's raw.
It's nice to crawl to a safe place.
but it's hurts when you feel hidden doing so.

Maybe you need a distraction
Possibly a new one?

No, I can't.

Attention

It's all you need
Attention
It's all you desire
Attention
From one super individual
Attention
From my kids, more calmly.

It's what I want
In this entire moment
Sometimes I think I need
But something I so strongly desire
I crave it but I feel like I hardly know you
I need it but I feel like we hardly connect
I want it but I feel like I'm the only one that does.
Usually.

You're always around, always helping
Always understanding.
Always here when you're not
I never want that to end.

What Dreams Are Made Of

Things that matter today, may not matter tomorrow. So take the risks, right? I don’t know why things trigger me so often lately, I’m pretty sure it’s because my failures and faults are coming back to bite me in the ass. Crushes are harder, the lingering need of touch is more distinct. The loneliness is real and I am not sure what kind of longing feels I need. 

It’s irresistible, almost unavoidable. 

Your smile, your vibe and your presence is almost breathtaking but I think mostly because we’re two opposite people and attracted to the most different types. At least maybe for you. It’s hard to admit that maybe there is a crush. Maybe there is a desire, but nothing I could physically pursue. Your personality is almost everything, you’re sweet, kind, smart and you understand when I need you the most. 

The love I had with Austin is still so strongly here but I know he isn’t physically with us and the fact that maybe he just wants me happy makes me worried that I’ll let him down. He was so important but now my kids are just as important. They need a father figure but nothing right away, because I’m not rushing into that part of my life right now.

The eyes, the hair, the feel of the skin, the lingering looks you give. The hugs, the smile, the physically presence; the lingering need of your attention. It makes my skin crawl and I can’t stop thinking about you. What a thrill, but it’s just a thrill. Nothing could come about it, mostly because I’m just in a mind set that’s just going to be life. 

Who wants a single mom of THREE kids? Most don’t. I’m set with that in my mind, but I guess I’m used to feeling alone. The last couple years of my life has been the hardest, I don’t recognize myself as since the last time trying to find myself was like 6 years ago but I think I have been slowing finding my heart again.

The blackness of my current soul and the light you’re trying to bring in, makes my heart skip a beat. You’re you in every way possible and I love it. I can’t help but focus on you and how I’m feeling because I just can’t fight it. I should. 

I need too 

But I don’t want too

I love the lingering.

The tension.

The desire. 

The wants. 

But it’s the need that I fight back with, I don’t need it. I don’t need the jealousy that I so longingly have with my past. I’m afraid to give my heart out as I wear a protection around the one I have on my sleeve. 

But in the end...

It’s just a dream, that probably won’t come true.

7 Years

"Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. But most of all, thank you for showing me that there will come a time when I can eventually let you go." -Nicholas Sparks

Austin Tylor Schreiber (3/13/95 - 2/16/19)

You were everything my soul needed, I may not have realized how much I care and love you until you're gone but I know for a fact I did love you. I did care. Just not as much as I thought I did, you sparked joy in life that I needed. I felt so comfortable because you were my Bestfriend, my world and everything joyful my life contained. I can't even fathom the fact that you won't be here to cherish the moments we still needed to cherish. 

Our boys ALL attending school, the bittersweet moment I'll have sending our final child to school and probably crying more about the fact that you'll miss it.. not the fact that it's our youngest son. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want to call or text you about the dumbest things that I have go on at work, or the dumbest things I've said/done in the past week. 

You're going to miss the moment I buy our first house or even the moment I kick debt, you know how important it was to me. Who am I suppose to rant to when one of our children brings home a girl, oh man, or even the birds and the bees conversation. Who am I supposed to freak out too when they have come home to tell me that they KISSED a girl, even though I told them girls have cooties! I know you're in a better place now and I hope that you're happy, but please know I will be okay eventually just now right now.

Even though you're gone now, doesn't mean I can't miss you and everything you were. You are my Bestfriend, high school sweetheart, fiancé and the father of our beautiful boys. Your smile was perfect, your hair (when long) was perfect to play with. You even loved it. Your beard was full to it's current ability with patches of missing hair, your frustration was what made the cherry on top. You just wanted a full and nice beard. Your broken finger tips when you tried to lie your hand flat, you had perfect eyebrow even. You had these amazing hazel eyes, that in the summer they turned more green than anything else, you were so determined to prove to your mom that. You had scars from your job, that you were so proud of because you LOVED your job. You worked so hard for our family, so hard.

Most of all, I'm going to miss feeling you and feeling your warmth. I feel like I've done let you down because I couldn't help you with your inner demons, you fought so silently but yet not so secretly. I keep fighting the "what if" game as if that's going to bring you back. You made our family feel safe and happy, you thought of us first before you. I loved you so much, I so still do but my love for him doesn't compare to the love he had in our family and our relationship. I'll never live down his sports addictions, even if I don't watch half the stuff he enjoyed or even let alone understand it. I'll never let our boys forget about it, because you are not one to forget. I couldn't have asked for a more better of a soul mate than I could with you. 

So with that I am resting you down to watch over our family, to make sure we are safe. Our boys will always love you and cherish you as their father, please my love, make sure we are happy. 

I love you so much, my love. 

Always & Forever

Forever & Always

Promise

-xoxo

Andrea <3

Love Yourself

Trust

noun

1. firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

Trust is a big factor in relationships, friendships, professional relationships and more. You must trust that the care giver of your child will not harm your child or you'll trust that your boss/coworker will make sure that they are helping you out when needed instead of seeing you fail. As for relationships, trust is 100% important because I'll need to trust that you aren't going to go out and not hurt my heart or feelings, I'm going to trust that you know what's best for me if I ever get ill or sad. Barriers that involve trust should be held delicately, unlike relationships where there are no strings attached and feelings aren't involved.

Relationships build on trust, at the beginning of your relationship it would be considered the "Honeymoon Stage" where all you are, are sweet, cute, send cute little texts and such. That phase can last everyone differently but for my case that lasted, for him, maybe a week. A week that I thought was months. Months that were never boring, never not cute, never ending with cute facebook posts and comments until maybe a year later. One whole year went by before I went through his phone, I hated doing it but I don't regret it because of what I found. I found messages, messages to random sexy girls asking for nudes, phone numbers and such. None of these girls replied with the intel he was wanting, but one girl. One girl told him off saying things like "You have a girl, why do this to her" and such. Months went on and he stopped but then they started reoccurring again and that's when the lies started to happen, I hate not trusting someone especially someone I have such history with but this was it. My trust barrier. Just... broken.

The second time I now knew that it wasn't me who was pushing him away, but he now wanted to because at this time I was expecting twin boys. I don't trust this guy, but he was holding that against me like I did something wrong because I went through his phone and such. I had every reason, the first time I didn't think that stuff was going to be there I just stumbled upon it. Seven months went by and he seems miserable because I don't trust him, though I was trying my hardest to do so because I loved the guy. He was my everything at the time. As the twins grew up the distance between up continued to grow, we started talking less expect at night when the occasional sex would occur. I couldn't get myself in the mood thinking this man doesn't find me attractive or else he wouldn't of messaged those women. I blamed myself for a couple years later, until today. Today, I've had enough. If he loved me, he wouldn't of had done it and he wouldn't have continued after I found out. I let him walk over me and destroy my self esteem and confidence, I deserve to be called beautiful. I deserve to have appreciation, I deserve a lot. I'm not a maid and I will not continue to be.

I am 21 years old with 3 children, I am strong independently and I am strong with him but clearly the only one. I can't handle this stress when I did nothing to him to treat me like this. I say something to him about it and he lashes out and makes it seem like its my fault but it's not. I'm not letting anyone make me feel like I have to bow down to their standards. I hate it. I am a good person, I work hard for things that I want, I make sure that I never let my kids down. Never

I'm done feeling like I can just get side chicked when I don't deserve to be main chicked. I deserve to be a girlfriend or a fiancé, not a "something" chick.  Fuck all this.

Andrea <3

Sorry

Everyday I contemplate my decisions as they lay on the playing field by assuming maybe this wasn't the right thing to do or say or sometimes even thinking was that really something considered, like are you crazy?
  I continuously think by making myself happy first will help you make others happy. Well guys, I'm not happy but I'm trying to make others happy. I hate when I go through repeats of nights where texts are the same or the continuous thoughts with anxiety attacking. I can't help but be angry, with everyone, because I never have gotten appreciated. As a person. I clean up after people without being asked, generally that'd be a nice gesture but having to do it meal after meal after meal without a "Thank You" being said. C'mon, we all know that rude as heck!
  My bestfriend, who obtains major depression, is someone who I can talk to about everything but when the depression kicks in with her, I don't know if what I'm saying is effecting her in anyway. I love her, but I wish I could just take all her pain away and leave her with a happy and healed heart.
In a relationship, shouldn't communication be #1? I would assume so, considering if you're not happy with something that your significant other is doing or is making you uncomfortable, you should say something. To maybe prevent later arguments, though I do understand arguments ALWAYS happen in relationships, there's nothing to prevent those... unless you're perfect.
  I don't think I've also been involved in a situation at a workplace, or anywhere for that matter, where gender discrimination has been such a major issue. Or maybe I'm just complaining. Anyway, I can see where not ALL women are as strong as men but you know there are women who are just that. I am, personally, not that woman. I'll be determined, I'll sweat my ass off, I'll push myself to the limits and I'll even admit when I'm not fit for that type of work but that should never stop me from trying. I am the ONLY woman who works in my line of work, but has that ever stopped me from proving people wrong? No. I may not come out as the best worker compare to others, who prefer to get shot by paintballs without the ability to shoot back, but with customers or desk work you'll see me achieve lots.
  I may have a short temper when it comes to other people, but sometimes it takes a lot to get me to explode. I have literally given up all hope in trying to achieve things that have horrible outcomes. Why fight in a relationship when no points are being taken in as a chance to improve or outcome? Why argue with someone if I'm always going to be the one put down, even if I'm the one that's right? Why try to waste energy on being happy, if I'm not even happy now?

Why?

What I would do to know how to live my life the right way, right this second..

Honestly, I can't say that because I don't know what I would do but I would hope I'd do it right. Give me an opportunity to grow and you'll see colors, even if sometimes the colors don't blend...

-Andrea

Overwhelmed in Fear

There's things going on in my head that I just can't figure out.
My dreams are big, but my faith is out.
I come to a realization that all I hoped is gone, I've been drowning in doubt.
I sit here and think "My kids deserve the best" but that's not what's turning out, I can't wrap my head around the constant worry and struggle.
I can't help but think that maybe my kids won't have their father and that they'll hate their mother for the situations they have currently.

I'm a monster in the closet and I can't escape the screams.
My face is numb and I can't seem to move.

I'm lost in my mind while I have these faces stare, judging the things I do like I care.
Currently as I type, I get balls thrown at my legs and screams in my ear. Mommy life for me and I'm not complaining either because my children deserve the best even if their father isn't around. I'm always afraid of being a single mom because that's not what family is all about.

My emotions are scarce in my head as I cry, scream and laugh. You could swear I'm bipolar but I swear I'm not the best.. at controlling what's going on, I've always been the type to just 'go with the flow'. I'll crush for a couple days just to turn it down because I feel I don't deserve it, because what's the point of another heart break.