Secrets Can Kill

 You'd think that you would be able to trust someone with a secret; very few could mean so much to someone to keep something with their lives.

My secrets? 

 My secrets that hold inside of me from someone else is whether someone is pregnant or whether someone cheated on the test in chemistry last week. Nothing big, well.. besides the being pregnant one that is. Secrets these days get told fast then those who say they have something to tell you and can't be told to anyone else, that's when things get put on a loop and get twisted and replayed and replayed and replayed. Secrets aren't something to be told. Secrets are something that someone else trusts you with, you have to keep those secrets in a box, or let alone in a cold dark hidden cave where not even you remember where it's located, but you remember what it contains.
 You shouldn't have to repeat words of someone else if there not your words to tell. Secrets can go through High School, Middle School, even your work place hallways faster than you can say GO. Technology can take part of that. Cell phones, Facebook, Twitter, it has factors. Don't let cyber-bulling get you down, especially by a stupid bitch just looking for trouble.

Austin Tylor Schreiber

 Honestly, I could possible try to write one chapter of a book about you. You're sweet, you make someone feel like their your whole world. You make them notice the little things about life, and you make them actually chase after their dreams. You're a great friend. You make someone realize that they aren't alone, you give respect and you get respect back until it's broken or messed up. There's plenty more things I love about you, and right now I'm going to make the world know that I, Andrea Marie Olvera, love Austin Tylor Schreiber.
   Austin, you may not believe it now but you're actually quite special to most people. You mean so much to your mom that she actually wants to help you. Yeah, you may live with me because of previous incidents with family and such, but she still wants to call you her son and actually watch you succeed. Just because you're in the hole you're in right now, doesn't mean that you should give up on everything. You're smart, you're honest, you're actually everything someone looks for in a boyfriend. Maybe not quite your anger, but really no one should piss you off as much as I do.

   I make mistakes and lately it's been a lot of them, to me, I'm not the jealous type until now. I've been the person to get everything handed to me when I ask. I used to ask for something and either then or a couple weeks or days later I'd have it. (except for a car.). I wanted to you, I liked you, now I can't get enough of you. Even in my past relationships, I could get anything I wanted. I could make someone stop talking to someone because I didn't like them, or I could compromise with someone about it. Well with you, I don't want to be that girl again, I want you to be able to have friends to go out and party with. I want you to be able to do what you're good at, I want to be able to let you have all the fun you want. I just feel like having another friend that's a girl, with how close you guys are, is uncomfortable with me. I don't know, I'm just not used to another girl making you so happy, like I used to. We talked, we flirted, we just had an all out fun time together, now I feel like all I do is make you mad, and start arguments with you (which isn't my intention)and nag. I don't want to be that person. I love you to much. I don't want to lose you.
  Trust for me, is valuable. You, Austin Tylor Schreiber, have all my trust I could give to anyone. You're trust with me, like life taking. I could trust you with my life! I may not be good at showing trust, but when you're with your friends, I trust you wouldn't do anything to hurt me later. I know it may not be your complete intention to hurt me, but really think about things before you do them sometimes. Running away is what I'm good at, I'm good at running away from a problem that I can't or even too scared to try to fix. I'm scared of the outcome. I may face it, I just don't like what I hear/see. Austin, when you're mad I feel like you like to be the only one mad. I understand you need your space, but I'm sorry I can't be the person you want me to be. You're exactly how I want you. Human. I understand you make mistakes, I understand you don't mean to hurt me. I really do understand, because I do the same thing to you.
  Back to reality, another thing that I love about you is the fact you're funny! You're hilarious! You can make some funny ass faces, and you can be a complete jerk sometimes when you're making jokes. You may not know when enough is enough, but maybe I don't know how to have fun sometimes. You can cheer me up with you're cute(sorry, handsome(; ) voices, and the way you play madden. You can sing to my songs and make my day! I love your laugh, and your new (braces free)smile! Lemme see those pearly whites, baby!
  You have this dream. A dream to own your own football camp/team thing. To help younger kids come into camp and you teach them skills and how to improve their football skills to become really good football players. To make them have a dream, and how to achieve it. You won't give up on them. You won't. You're in LOVE with football, just as much as you love smoking, haha. You're so good at football, you're amazing. You have a true passion for what you love, and seeing you help these little kids/teens improve is what you're going to do. Every time I hear you say "I want my football field to look like..." or "My team is going to be this..." I know you're into this dream, and I am going to do everything in my power to help you achieve it. Everything.

  Your inside, hidden, secretiveness nerd senses. How you've seen about every movie I haven't. How you're always there for me, and how you want me to be successful. You're amazing baby. If this doesn't make you believe so, then I don't know what will. I know deep in my heart that you will always have that space, that taken spot just for your love. Your promises, your hats, your outfits, your S W A G, your hand in mine. I could say a bunch of sweet things to you, but really one has overcame all of this.
 
I love you Austin Tylor Schreiber. You're everything a person could be to me. Yeah your anger and mine don't like each other, but in all results I know you love me back. I love you so much, and nothing will stop that. Happy 7 months, baby. I don't want to lose you, because...
You are mine, and I am yours.
Always&Forever
Forever&Always
Always&Forever&&Forever&Always
Forever&Always&&Always&Forever. <3
I love you.

Tonight I Wanna Cry

Having to make peace with an inner demon is something I hoped was easy. I had realized that facing your demon's is harder than looking in the mirror, it's harder than getting all the possible hair off your legs to shave, it's hard.
 I could lose a lot, and with how much faith I have in myself.. I could hurt those around me. I don't know if it's how he looks at her, or how he talks about how she's done this but I feel replaced. I don't know, maybe it's just one of those demons. I'm facing it, but running away after everything get's calm. I can't face it in a calm matter. I understand fighting in a relationship can only go so far, and it's normal but when you fight 24/7 it exhaust's you. Emotionally, Mentally, and Physically. I just hate myself after all that I've caused to some people. I hate that I cause so much people, so much pain. Really, I never thought it was possible since I was the fragile one. Now, I experienced my own hurting to someone else.
 Looking into the eyes of him, I wanted to just hug him and apologize but I know saying 'i'm sorry' wasn't going to help. At all. I've never really been, I guess, jealous before. So I don't know how to react to it, it's hard having to face THAT demon, but i'll do it. One day at a time. Hopefully I don't lose everyone in the process..

-Andrea

Unknown

I haven't had the slightest urge to blog lately, I mean.. I've tried.. but I could never get anywhere..
So here's where I'll pick up.

To someone who cares about another it's hard to feel their pain on the other line of the love string, and then again.. It's easy to spot how/what they feel. To give hurt to someone who's giving hurt to you, it never once crosses your mind that maybe... you're just not right. You're actually quite wrong, you've fought, you've sacraficed.. but for what?
I fight, and I sacrafice a lot for my relationships, and I learn from them. I fight for who I love, and what I'm willing to fix for them not to leave. I sacrafice my trust, respect, and time for other people sometimes. Friends have always, in a way, come first. I may not show it as well I should, but they always have because in relationships you have your significant other but in reality they can only be there for so long. Friends are there to help pick up the pieces they broke, and glue them back together.

This blog is harder to write then normal, since I'm coming out of my emotions. My life has always been a hard one, and i'm not going to sit here and explain it over and over. I'm not also here to brag/moup about what's gone on. Everyone's life is going to go through those IMPOSSIBLE struggles, that soon become easier to face. My worst enemy is my confidence, my self-esteem, and/or my emotions. I get lost in the moment of reaction and I don't come down to reality. It sucks. For example, I can't get a job. In the economy today, it's like a life or death (or for reality sakes homeless death) situations. You have to meet certain requirements, to which can be REALLY hard without previous employment. Then you have to think about cars, houses, rent, or even college tuition yada yada.
Basically what I'm trying to say is... Life. Sucks.
Love can suck, unless you're willing to really risk a lot of your part, emotion wise, or you could be the fuck it type.
Friends.. can rule. haha. <3


Live. Love. and specially Laugh.

Andrea<3 

In The Face of Danger

In my eyes I'm not good enough for a person.

In my mind all I hear is negativity.

All I hear is...

You're too fat.

You have way to much face acne.

He doesn't love you, if all you do is upset him.

You're overachieving yourself.

He could find better.

I try and shut those little things that keep breaking me down, and I think he does love me, especially for who I am, and nothing's going to change that about him. I may get him mad, and he may get me mad but I can't change who he is. I love him for that. 

Insecurities: Lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt.

Today women in the world are too insecure to notice that they are beautiful. The fact that you need to express your insecurities by not hiding behind a wall and talking, and being scared. Like I did..

I stopped hiding being a wall, and expressed myself. I can't hold my anger in sometimes especially now. I really can't explain why anyway. 

I'm just a mess and I'm emotional. For what reason I don't know. Help me, now.

-Andrea

Doing it wrong

Watching you walk into that court room was the most painful thing I could ever do.

I couldn't just stand there and watch you walk in there and that be the last I see of you, specially if you're going in there to be for about six months to a year.. I'd miss everything about you.

I'd miss..
Your smile,
Your laughs,
Your stubborn ass,
Your terrible farts,
Your anger,
Your hand in mine,
Your hand stroking my face at night,
Your eyes,
mostly I'd miss fighting with you over what?
..Something stupid. Like most relationship fights.

I just don't one night to be an argument, that's bad enough to get you to do something bad, like get arrested.. and the last time I saw you, the last time I kissed you, the last time I saw everything I loved about you.

-Andrea

Far Away

Today, society and cliques will tell you who you can limit yourself to be;
weather you're insecure, fat, and pathetic: you run in the loser clique.
if you're skinny, hot, and really friendly: you're either a slut, super popular, or a whore.
Now if you're in love with gaming, trading cards, and video games: You run in the nerd.
If you fall in love easily, clingy, and with a guy every week: You're a whore.
If you're this or if you're that you're always put in a group, like jocks, losers, gamers, those who run the school, whores, basically just like the movie mean girls. What that movie doesn't really express of how much that hurts, it does at the beginning but c'mon. Who ends up being the plastic of the school? uh not really anyone.
    Then there's me. A small city girl who's been judged, and cliqued into a group that isn't her own. I've grown up to different standards, different tempers, and different rules. We may have gone to the same school, and grew up basically with each other but that doesn't mean you know me or how I've been raised. My home life isn't what you call.. great. It sucks, but ever since my boyfriend moved in, it's been great. I've gotten respected by two people instead of one. I've been stronger to defend the ones I love, then when I was..always beaten down by words, always critized for who I wasn't. Yeah, I tried looking like all those girls, I've tried acting like them.. and honestly, it's kinda rubbed off since I tried so long to fit in. I was told it's a person's duty to stand out, well boy did I stand out. I was picked on every time I stepped onto that bus, bus 79 or 81 always picked on. I got called names like: Manface, Mangirl, chewbakca(spelling?), and even loser; I got things thrown at me, and when I said something.. the names start up again. It's my little shell, I've always protected myself in, I've always ran back home, ran and hid under a blanket and cried, went into a girls stall and cried. Honestly, I couldn't help but be diagnosed with depression, and suicidal (My own diagnosis). I grew up in a unhealthy environment, my dad always told me I was doing wrong, my brother always bringing me down, and my mom being the one I went to with all my problems, but never really helped. My cousin's always popping out babies, and my grandma always getting cranky, but what can you do?
    School was never and I mean never easy for me. That's why I dreaded high school the most. Living in a society like our generation has, worries me about how the generation after us is, or the generation after that. Our world is turning it's back and becoming terrible, and I was a victim of that sorts. I went to high school for my FRESHMAN year and boy was it tough, being a newbie in the halls, being a stranger to teachers, and specially looking up those seniors ruling the halls. It was tough, especially when you have NO IDEA who to associate with. I sticked with a couple of my Middle school - Elementary friends, but really.. no one stays friends forever.. I had new friends coming in, and old ones fading out. I couldn't control my power, I was popular for a short time, until I couldn't take it and just left the scene. I wanted to be myself. My little gamer, obsessively in love, band geeked, theater geeked, and obnoxiously annoying self, and maybe I'd get someone and some friends who accept me for who I really am. And I did. I got a senior my freshman year, and obviously I couldn't handle it myself. I can't live up to someone who has 4x the standards I had as a freshman. Sophomore year rolls around and I'm not as new, and it was hell. Struggling in school, struggling keeping friends and relationships up. Junior year, single and just ready to escape. Grades.. iffy. and then I met my boyfriend from 7th grade, what a catch he is. I'd see him from time to time and just kid around and joke, always yelling "I'm mad at you, you're smoking that's why" really... I smoked myself I forgot about it maybe a couple minutes later. He.. he has a temper, that boy does. I haven't quite worked my way around his big temper, but I have concluded space. I have understood that I don't need to nosey around someone's life 24/7. I'm a jealous, over emotional, obnoxious, annoying girlfriend, but I can be that sweet, dorky, gamer girlfriend. 
    High school, society, and our world is changing to make people think that they have to be something they're not to fit in, and that school isn't the way to succeed. Really it isn't, but it all depends on the career! If you wanna be a hip hop artist, heck drop out. If you want to be lawyer or even a person who wants to find a cure for cancer? You need school. Some do it because they have nothing better to do. Just stick with who you are, stick with what you know, now with what others think. It sucks, trust me.. I know.

-Andrea

Here Comes Goodbye

Those moments where we would just sit there and talk about how amazing each other was;
Those moments where we would fight about who loves each other more;
Those stupid little arguments we had;
Those moments where I actually decided to standup for something I know and believe in;
Those moments where I stood by your side when you got kicked out;
Those moments where we would watch a movie before bed;
Those moments where we found the little dipper. Three times;
Those moments where I got you to pet a horse;
Those moments where kids worked you out with a tire swing;
Those moments where I supported you in your decisions, regardless if I didn't like them or not;
Those moments where we kiss, and it be like fireworks on the fourth of july;
Those moments where I took care of you and you took care of me;
Those moments where we get so into a game;
Those moments where I looked into your eyes and saw the world;
Those moments where I helped you through your mom's fights with you;
Those moments where my family supported you;
Those moments where I kept you updated on the Chicago Bulls game and got so into it;
Those moments.
Those
Moments.

Nothing will ever change how I feel about you, nothing will ever change the fact that I will forever express the way I feel about you to everyone. You make me so happy, yet so angry. You say mean things, and you do mean things. You yell, you punch walls, you walk away. Your anger scares me the most.
This isn't the way anyone should spend their summer. This isn't a relationship anyone should get involved in. Something I've learned about guys is... When they need their space. They need their space.
You get angry.. quite easily. You get mad at me because I get mad easily, and at stupid things. Well congratulations.. You got your wish, You got rid of the person that helped you through all those hard times, who put up with all your yelling, put downs, and ran after you when you got mad. I put up with so much.

So much.

You tell me, you want us to get pregnant because you want him/her to be the best thing that makes a change in your life, then when your angry you tell me I don't have the body for a baby and that i'll mess my body up. That's something you really tell someone. When I need someone to talk to other than you, I go to your friends, because they know you more than I do in certain things. My heart since day one told me that you needed love, just ONE kiss can tell you so much. I knew that I was going to love you, from the moment you kissed me. The moment I decided that I couldn't wait to be yours. I sat there on that step on the second week of shorts and helped you through your break up with her, I helped you when you were about the cry. I       understood, as much as I could! My heart was in your hands by the time you asked me out, maybe even before that. You've made me have endless smiles, laughs, frowns, and cries, but nothing will ever make me stop having an endless love for you. You may mess things up every now and then but you cannot sit there and tell me that you never loved me, and that you never meant that I was the best thing that happened to you, that me and the kids were. You cannot sit there and tell me that I, MYSELF, was lying to you since day one. I'll do what you say. I'll leave you alone, forever.
If that's what you please. Just know you're the best thing that has improved my life since my ex. You're amazing Austin T. Schreiber. You don't understand how much you've impacted my life, for the better and the worst.

I'm just making my final goodbyes before letting loose, and just saying my do's. Someone like you deserves the best, and I deserve the worst. Just like you wished upon me.

I love you
Always and Forever
Promise.

...Goodbye.

...-Andrea...

Something More

I didn’t ask for this, but then again I did. My body right now; is paralyzed.

I can’t believe this is happening. Giving me no reason but to leave for my own protection, ours.

You and I we’re going to continue to try for our little girl/boy and something we can change in our lives. I love you babe, I do. Your mom put this on us and I really hate her right now for something I can’t control, we did step into this together and hand in hand. We needed a place to stay and we relied on that house, I can’t say that we’re going to be much better if we live here but all I know is for our sake we need to leave.

My sister, I love her I do. I really hope she understands. I really do. We’re strong and together we’ll stand up and fight this. I really don’t want to serve jail time especially with our age and our youth. It’s something we treasure. Really, I think we just need a fresh start, somewhere new. With new friends, new home, new boundaries, and new everything. I love you. Every time I hear sirens I’m going to think their coming outside my house… I really don’t know, I can’t say. I really can’t. I just hope we’re all okay. I just wanted us to work out really. You and I. We’re fine. Our lives? They tell a different story.

Mine is a confusing one. Referring to what’s going on. Yeah I used to be a goodie tooshoes now? I’m just a mess. Angry, Confident, Independent. Determined. What else am I supposed to be? I can’t surpass my mother and her expectations sometimes. I really just want to make my own decisions for my life, even though she’s lookin’ out for me. 

-Andrea

Well Done

  I hate people who always tell me that they hate what I do, or who I'm with, or how I do things with someone. 

Complain, Criticize. 

That's all I get. 

You're not my family, 

You're not who I used to know, 

You know why you claim that you don't know me anymore? Yeah, well maybe it's because I'm happy. Maybe it's because I finally found someone in my life that I like to spend time with, someone who makes me laugh, someone who I am having a family with. You don't understand how he makes me feel, 

You're a dick, a bitch, and a mother fuckin' complainer. 

Don't judge someone you haven't even taken the time to get to know, 

YOU allowed him on this trip

You let him come meet the family.

I just asked you, that's it. I honestly would've rather have gone with his family if I knew you were going to be a dick about every fuckin' move we make!

You're just a self consed-id asshole. You have no heart.

Not even for your wife, who isn't fair about fuckin' anything. 

My friend has lived with me for a little over two months now and she should have the same rights I do. Not give her more freedom then you're own fuckin' daughter. That's not fuckin' fair. Specially since I actually do shit. I actually put gas in the car, I want to wash your windows, I actually care. I don't sit in my room take an hour to get ready, I don't sit at my computer all night, I clean up after myself. I care about my well being. 

Do you even remember what it's like to be in love, dad?

Do you?

Do you remember how it feels kissing the women you love and realizing you have the world?

Do you remember when you held hands and skipped around?

Do you remember being little kids with your wife?

Do you remember what it's like to love a child?

Do you even realize I am your child?

Do you even love me?

No.

To every single question.

No.

No.

No.

No.

I

Hate

You.

There's nothing else to say to you.

This is why I don't tell you things.

This is why I never want to spend time with you.

This is why I hate you.

You're nothing but an asshole who doesn't know how to love a child.

You both don't.

If you did, maybe you'd understand that if you let someone move in..

same rights go for me as they do them.

What if...

I came home high.

Everyday.

What if...

I smoked everyday.

Drank,

sold drugs,

never was home.

ran away.

got in trouble.

let my grades slip.

what if I wasn't this great of a daughter?

what if I didn't try so hard?

I finally have someone really proud of me and you're just going to bitch about how I'm doing well enough.

I finally have someone who believes in me.

Someone who actually LOVES me.

Not yells at me

Not treats me like an asshole when I get back from a hella good trip.

Someone who cares.

Obviously not you.

Seriously.

I'm fuckin' done with this family.

Listen To Your Heart

We all have mistakes in life that will impact our lives in multiple ways, like choosing to go left and ending up at a dead end.

We all have those times where we just need to be reconsidered and reminded of who we are, and that everything's okay. Times are tough, and life's harder to live with the society we have but we all have those times where we go insane and have a little breakdown, maybe even big ones, but that doesn't mean give up. That doesn't mean lose faith in who you are and what you're capable of doing with your life. You're the maker of your life. You're the writer of the book, so don't put down the pen. Losing faith is like having a cow without milk, useless. No one on this planet is useless, just confused.

Skyscraper

I'm trying my best to make you see I'm the daughter I used to be, I'm trying so hard to prove it.
You let my friend move in, and honestly..I've kinda changed. You see, I come home and I have someone else to talk to about my problems. I love you a lot, and you don't understand that I know you feel like I've changed, but I'm just the same. I didn't have someone to come home to everyday and spend time with. I didn't have this, I finally feel like I have a sister.. and you're making me feel like I can't. I'm not allowed. My decisions are always decided like your feelings don't matter. They Do. I'm still the same person. I'm still Andrea Olvera. Your daughter.

I have a new boyfriend, and a friend-sister, a father who criticizes all the time, a person who loves me.. a person who will always be my hero and my best friend. I hope you know, I'm jealous... All around, on everything!
The fact I feed you the truth, and trust you, you feed me "you don't know how to respect me"...I have a plan for you. I very fun plan, and you're making this harder and harder to do. I'm trying to achieve my goals, follow my heart, and I feel like there's no open doors to let me even think about my heart. What I say is wrong, what I do is wrong, what I think... is wrong. I can't succeed in life, so I might as well give up. I can't succeed without my heart and my hearts shut down for the night, maybe even for good.  I have a huge present,  A HUGE present for you. It's all for next year, after I graduate. I'm sorry.. maybe I just want to make you happy, by achieving my goals. That's not possible, is it?
I have respect for you, I do... I just can't show that well when I feel replaced. Neglected, and the only person I have in my life.. is Austin.
I'm trying to get a job, I want to move out, I maybe just want to take some control of my life. SOME. I'm sorry I want to grow up. I'm sorry. You don't know that I have anxiety attacks a lot at school, because I feel judged looking at other people. You don't know what I step into once I'm inside school territory. I'm scared. I'm scared to show my face. I'm scared what this girl with think, or that one, or the lead role in Cats. I'm scared to take chances, and I'm just starting to over come it. Now i'm just falling back into my shell, and I just need YOU to hold me and tell it's all okay. Please.

I love you mom, so much. You'll always be my best friend and my hero.

Just understand it's a hard time right now and I don't know what to do..

I'm in love with him, and I have a friend who cares enough to stay with me, and even listen to me bitch.

You and I.. we've fallen apart. But you'll always be my best friend.

I Won't Give Up

I've never had anyone in my lifetime, ever tell me they were so proud of me.

or that they wish they were half the person I am today.

 I have a dream and I'm already acheiving it.

He told me everything I was blindsided by.

He told me that:

He looked up to me,

He wished he was half the person I was

He turned around because of me

That my dream is to go to KU and they're already looking at me.

He told me that he's never loved anyone as much as he loved me,

that he really means it. I love him.

I've never in my life wanted to help someone move towards their dream as much as I want to help him.

He's in a hole, that I'm hoping to fill with his hand in mine.

I'm deeply sorry for making you mad, and that's what I regret.

My anger gets the best of me and I just say things that I don't know what they mean.

You're someone that I love deeply.

You're my forever, and I hope that stays.

Austin,

I really have a lot of faith in you.

Believe it or not, babe. (:

I love you.

Jupiter

I feel alone and very scared.
Numb, and in pain.
Tingly and sick.

He loves me, I know.
Now my wheels are turning and I don't know what to do. I think this is just my period talking or even my uncontrollable emotions but i'm breaking down again.
I need that person to hold. I miss him.
Terribly.

I'd go anywhere to see him. I'd go to the face of this earth to visit him, have him hold me. To have him feel that he's not alone nor that he doesn't have anyone to turn to. I need him to hold me, to tell me everything's going to be alright. I need him to understand that right now, this week, I can't control my emotions. I can't control who I am inside. I'm  confused, I have a lot..or more likely too much on my mind. I just want to sleep, and just cry. I'm an emotional wreck who needs the attention you're not giving me. Or maybe you are. I'm just to fogged up to see this.

Your mom grounded us, I understand. A week i'll wait until we're never apart again.
You're on my mind 24/7. I'm helping you with homework, I'm doing everything in my power to make you successful more than you already are...
I just feel like this is too much.
Then everything else. I can't control it.
I can't.
I won't.
I need too.
I should.

I love you.